The Point of it All
by dragonnan
Summary: How could he set this right when he couldn't even set himself right?  Missing scene from the episode "Raped"


**Spoilers:** Missing scene for the episode "Raped".

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><p><em>Fear. All consuming and permeating every pore in my body. And I can't control it no matter how illogical – how insane the sensation. I'm a grown man with at least twenty plus years on this kid and yet... and yet I find myself frozen in his presence. He terrifies me and at every advance of his body I cringe away – keeping a barrier between us. Feeling my body shivering under his leering gaze. And it's all I can do not to run.<em>

_I want Al. I need the reassurance of his voice. I need... I need someone to save me from this predator because I feel as though I can't save myself. And I hate myself for this weakness. I hate the stench of my own terror._

He'd left Kevin behind at the gazebo. He'd kept up the front of bravery long enough to make it to his, Katie's, bedroom. He'd managed to bypass the family inside and close himself away; finding the sanctuary of the bed and pulling his knees to his chest. Leaning forward, he pressed his face into his hands and shuddered. Some part of Katie was still with him. A piece of her soul locked in with him. It had happened before, sometimes to a profound level. But to feel like this... Even diluted the emotions were so strong! He felt sick with her experience – flooded by her shame and degradation. He could feel the shiver of tears in his throat but choked them back. What the hell was wrong with him? Intellectually he knew it was Katie's emotions racing through him but... but at the same time he felt he'd lost all control of his self identity. His ego was being crushed by ice and it was all he could do not to race for the living room and the comfort of his... of Katie's parents.

"You okay, kid?"

He flinched and hoped to hell Al hadn't seen him do it.

"I'm fine." He blurted back – words clipped and tight. He hated that his voice was shaking. He hated everything about this. In his mind, Kevin was stalking him around the gazebo and his shivered. "What the hell took you so long!" Sharper, angrier than he'd intended the words to be yet he refused to apologize for it. He was angry. And afraid. And if Al had been there this wouldn't be happening now! If Al had been there Kevin wouldn't have ra... wouldn't have...

He shook his head. No... that... that was Katie's nightmare, not his. That hadn't happened to him.

Dammit!

"Saaam..." That tone. Half worry and half lecturing parent. And 100% capable of drawing out the deepest confessions. Less Naval training and far more the influence born from years of being Sam's best friend and closest thing to a father since the death of his own dad long ago.

"Kevin paid me a visit." He admitted; his voice pitched low. As he knew he would, Al lowered his cigar and stared.

"That son of a bitch! Did he try something!"

Protective to a fault. As if it really meant anything when he couldn't provide anything more concrete than words that only Sam could hear. As if he could actually protect. Sam sniffed and shook his head.

"N-no. No, he didn't try anything... really. Well, aside from intimidation tactics. He thought he could buy me off with a hunk of cheap jewelry." He chuckled though there was no humor in it and shrugged his shoulders.

Al frowned. "Look, everything is going to be oka..."

"How can you say that?" Sam demanded, his voice now trembling so hard he knew Al could hear it. He swiped his hand across his eyes and turned away. He couldn't look at his friend. Couldn't bear being looked at. He was weak.

His arms wrapped around his body. A gesture he couldn't help. He'd been guarding himself since first leaping in. Even before he'd found out what had happened, something had felt... off. He'd felt wrong. Like he'd dipped himself in something rancid. And if he'd felt that way – a step removed from the experience – how much greater the hell for Katie? Those first few minutes, in the fading glow of his arrival, he'd wanted to die. And then he was ashamed of himself for forgetting who this was actually about. He had no right to these emotions. They weren't his! He should be feeling compassion, not violation. He wasn't the one who'd been raped, dammit! No matter what his brain tried to tell him. No matter the ache in his heart.

And he couldn't help wondering if... if just by occupying her existence – forcing her to occupy his – if he wasn't doing the same thing to her as Kevin had done.

He'd never even thought of it before. How could he go forward from this and think anything else?

Al was still watching him, cigar long forgotten. Sam hated that look. He hated the way Al studied him like a puzzle missing a corner piece.

"Tell me what you got rolling through that head, Sam."

That was the Admiral in him talking. The one who demanded, if even gently, and expected an answer. How the hell was he supposed to talk about this? To explain what it felt like to leap into a body that had recently been violated. When the numbing effects of the leap had worn away, when he'd found out what had happened to the poor girl whose life he'd overtaken... he'd begun to feel. Not just the emotions either but the physical aftermath. It wasn't just her clothing that had been on his body.

He'd wanted to gag at the sensation of... of _that_... on his thighs and... and... He hadn't been able to get to the shower fast enough. It was sickening.

He needed to pull himself together. _Katie_ needed him to pull himself together.

"I can't afford to lose." He whispered. It was true, even if it wasn't everything that was chilling him.

Al didn't respond to that. As if there were any platitudes worth the trouble. He had no promises to offer and Ziggy was being silent on any options. They were on an unpaved road with no idea if they'd ever find their way back. Sam trembled and wiped his eyes again. He didn't want to do this. Not with Al watching him. But it was getting so hard to fight it.

"It was him, Al. I know it was! When... when I'm around him it just all... all comes rushing to my head. I... I can feel it. Feel _him_. And I know what Katie went through. I KNOW, Al." He dared a glance towards his friend only to immediately look away again, agonized by the horror he saw directed at him. "I know what she felt because I can feel it too. You get it? Kevin raped m... Katie. It wasn't some random stranger, and it wasn't consensual. And... a-and he..." his eyes, overwhelmed, turned towards the wall through his whisper. "He en-enjoyed it." Hiccuping gasp and he rubbed at his lids. He couldn't do this now! This was Katie's pain, Katie's humiliation. He had no right...

"Sam..." He heard the pity in that voice. It stung and yet, suddenly, desperately, he wanted... needed to feel that rough hand on his shoulder. Wanted to hug his friend so badly it ached. And he felt that he'd never been more alone than in that moment.

"Al I... I don't know how to do this. I-I've never..." He shoved from the bed with the first bolt of nausea and darted for the bathroom in the hall. He barely made it – barely heaved the door shut behind himself before he was hung over the toilet and emptying his stomach. Of course, no shut door could keep Al out and through vomit was something he tended to avoid at all costs, he was still in the room – eyes averted of course – while Sam gagged and retched.

Spitting and resting his weight on his forearms, he rubbed at his face. His mouth was coated in sour acid and his stomach had drawn up tight. Thankfully he hadn't been heard by anyone else in the household because he just wasn't up to the scrutiny they'd be giving him now. Not after the round of judgement that had been cast upon him. Well, by all but his fath... Katie's father.

"You okay?"

Wiping his forehead on his shoulder, Sam finally pushed up off the rug and staggered to the sink, rinsing out his mouth before cupping a few handfuls of tap water.

"Yeah." He muttered between swallows. They both knew it was a lie but sometimes the lie was better. Sam still couldn't get a handle on what it was that he was going through, much less how to explain it to Al. Easier to gloss it over sometimes until the forgetting power of his next leap promised the chance of not ever having to deal with it. Sure, Al would certainly remember, but it was an unspoken rule that he didn't mention prior leaps and Sam couldn't recall if that rule had ever been broken.

Grabbing a hand towel and wiping away the sweat from his forehead, Sam left the bathroom to return to Katie's bedroom – sliding back on the bed and scooting to the headboard. He arranged her long skirt over his legs – a strange weight of material he'd never quite gotten used to no matter how many leaps involved living the life of a female. Why couldn't he leap into a tomboy for once? God he missed pants...

"Sam..."

"So did Ziggy come up with anything?"

They both knew it was a distraction but Al seemed to let it pass as he automatically tapped at the handlink – earning a few plips and squeals. "Uh... not yet. She's still trying to access the doctor's files but she's having some trouble. Seems that some of the patient records had been misplaced when the office changed location in ninety four – but don't worry, we'll get this sorted out."

Sam nodded before scrubbing at his face again. He was tired, and the idea of sitting in a courtroom the follow day had his gut in knots. How the hell was he supposed to testify to this? He was convinced of Kevin's guilt and yet... What if he was wrong? What if his actions sent an innocent man to jail while the real rapist was still out there?

He had to know the truth. He couldn't let Katie down. Not when the whole town had already condemned her. After all... he was supposed to be a hero... right?

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><p>He was on the swing again. Something of his host drew comfort in the gentle sway, back and forth, and Sam couldn't help but feel the same draw. The breeze ruffled through his short hair and he sighed. Nearby, Al was standing; watching him. They hadn't spoken for some time. There wasn't much to say anymore.<p>

Sam had failed.

He'd failed and he hadn't leaped. Was this his punishment? Live out the rest of his life as a victimized young woman? But if so, that mean that Katie was being punished as well, trapped in the future without her parents, without anyone she loved... It was a fate he understood too well and couldn't bear seeing forced upon her. None of this was fair from any angle.

The novelty – the amazement of actually meeting someone he'd leaped into had almost immediately been overwhelmed with the sight of her pain – not mirrored at him and reflected by his own emotions but her real and honest pain. The bruises had been dark on her face – more hideous somehow. This was the real Katie.

She'd only glanced at him and he'd wondered how much of what she was seeing was really registering to her. To go from, as Al had said, "nearly catatonic" to walking and functional must have taken a herculean effort by Dr. Beeks along with some sort of strong anti anxiety medication.

He'd thought it was all over then. They'd gone above and beyond anything they'd ever had to try before during a leap and a payoff for those efforts should have been a guarantee.

But they'd still lost.

Thank God Katie hadn't had to be there to hear the verdict.

"Ziggy's got nothing. No explanation."

Sam didn't want to be irritated with his friend, yet his frustration had, yet again, targeted the older man. For not coming through. For not having a ready answer. For... for everything irrational going through Sam's head that moment. He tried hard to stamp on the emotion but after the past week, he was finding he didn't have the strength.

"If I didn't leap in here to convict Kevin, then what am I doing here?"

Al looked back at the handlink, though the device had gone silent. "I don't know. In the original history, Katie had left town a week after the rape and she never came back. Not even when her dad died in 88'."

"So that's what I'm here for? To keep Katie in town?" Sarcasm twisted through his response but Al didn't respond in kind – his face as defeated by their circumstances as Sam's heart.

"I don't know." He repeated. "It's just as good an explanation as any..."

Sam dropped his head to stare at his hands. Could he accept that? As... as asinine as it was... could it honestly be that simple? But how the hell was he supposed to accomplish that? By living out her life for her? Wouldn't she simply leave the moment she leaped back into her own life?

"Talking to yourself, Katie?"

Sam lurched from the swing and spun, heart thudding as Kevin seemed to melt out of the darkness behind him. At his side, Al appeared just as startled – a rare event. The younger man was leering at him and Sam battled not to let his hands shake. He'd had damn well enough of being afraid! Instead, he swallowed past a thick throat as Al growled at the threat.

"You slimeball."

Sam stared at the monster – seeing him without the mask for the first time. Seeing what Katie had seen the night he'd leaped in to take her place.

Kevin was grinning. "You shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't have put me through it, Katie."

Sam stared back; tried not to step back as well. "Put _you_ through it?"

Almost singsong – leaning in and gripping the chains holding the swing, Kevin grinned wider. "You should have known they'd believe me." He looked Sam up and down. "I take a girl out for dinner and the next thing I know, I'm on trial for rape."

Before he could dodge, Sam was struck by a vicious punch, his body crashing through the railing around the gazebo before hitting the ground hard enough to knock the wind out of him. He could taste blood through the throbbing pain and he thought his nose might be broken. Behind him he heard hard steps advancing, but he couldn't move.

Hands grabbing him and he moaned as he was flipped to his back. Kevin stood over him, still leering, though the look had grown hungry.

"Sam, get up and hit this pimple!"

Kevin reached for his zipper and Sam bit into his lip as he forced at the dizziness still circling through his skull. _Get up dammit! Get up!_ His fears were trying to freeze him to the grass – trying to let him experience, first hand, what Katie had suffered._ No! _

The smile had slid from Kevin's face now. "You think that was rape?" He tugged at his belt. "Well wait till you feel what I'm going to do to you now..."

He remembered Katie's face. He remembered her testimony... the tears in her voice as she'd spoken. Her terror as she'd relived every humiliating thing done to her.

"Sam, do something!" And at Al's panicked yell, Sam felt a snap of fury race through his body. He was sick of being scared! He'd failed Katie once already. He refused to do that a second time.

Pulling back his leg, Sam kicked as hard as he could and landed a heel between Kevin's legs. The force was so great it propelled Kevin backward – taking out the swing in the process.

Calmed, now that his friend had stopped playing opossum, Al raised his eyebrows appreciatively. "That will work."

Sam hauled himself to his feet. "I think I know..." He breathed out a sharp gasp as pain cut across his midsection from where he'd crashed through the railing, "I think I know why I'm here, Al."

Kevin didn't look quite as intimidating while slumped on his backside. While not a big proponent of striking a fallen adversary, Sam was willing to set aside his ideology on the matter as he reached for the scum that had terrorized Katie... terrorized them both... for too long. Dragging the other man partially upright, he slammed his knee into the unprotected gut before hurling him through another railing. The gazebo was beginning to look as though it'd been through a hurricane but it was all for the greater good. And it was pretty damn satisfying besides.

He pulled Kevin from the ground, breathing hard past the blood in his mouth as he shoved the taller figure against a post. His anger hadn't left him and was becoming dangerous as he glared at the figure. This creature that had left him feeling like a terrified child. Had left his filth on him... on Katie. How _dare_ he do that to her!

"So things got a little rough, huh? So you slap her!" A punch for emphasis – nothing like show and tell and there was a lot of tell left to go. "But that wasn't enough... so you had to hit her!" another punch – harder than the first. "And then you hit her again!" Fist slammed into jaw a third time; then a forth – a growl rising from his chest and he felt only the smallest wonderment that Al hadn't called him off his murderous intent yet. Maybe Al was just as interested in seeing that beast wind up a stain on the grass as he was. Another punch. "You son of a bitch!" His fist rammed into Kevin's solar plexus – forcing out a weak groan. He didn't hold back as he continued to pummel his gut.

Katie... He was doing this for Katie.

So what would it do to her if he got her sent to prison for murder?

Sam pulled the figure up as straight as possible. Blood flowed down Kevin's face as well. All the fight had gone out of him the moment his crotch had been smashed by Sam's foot. He didn't deserve to live.

But... for Katie...

One final punch leveled the man to the floor of the gazibo. Breathing heavily, Sam only watched as Al stepped forward to flick holographic ash onto the downed form.

It was over.

More than that, the fear was gone. All along, it'd been Katie he'd been doing this for. But along the line, he'd found he'd done something for himself as well. He'd found his confidence again. But even better, he'd found his hope.

The door of the house slammed open and he could see Katie's parents rushing out, drawn to the sounds of struggle. Sam smiled at their expressions as they took in the unconscious man. Their questions were frantic but Sam felt only peace. Everything would be okay now. Kevin may not have gone to prison for rape, but this second attack would hang him. He'd wasted his one free pass. He'd never hurt Katie, or any other woman, again.

Meeting Al's eyes, Sam's smile grew wide. They'd done it! And then the electric pulse of the leap washed over his body. And as with every time before, while he was still conscious enough to think, Sam let one plea flood through his mind.

Let this leap be the leap home.


End file.
